If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.