HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.