I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
How software testing works
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”