I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My beach vacation Google searches