You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Bro what is this
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on