*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!