Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?