My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.