I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The answer is funnier than the question
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.