I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!