I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*