*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family