You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’ve had relationships like this
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.