dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME