Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
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Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’d love this…lol
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next