When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
You Might Also Like
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I self medicate, therefore you live.