My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall