“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me too
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
eggs benadryl
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now