honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I want to meet the individual who made this