Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
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“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I finally found a reason to live again.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.