imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.