I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
adam and eve had first world problems
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later