I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit