America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.