Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.