Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
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Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.