Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Is this a threat?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”