Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
no cat here
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
mumsnet is amazing
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.