“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”