Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.