History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Just so funny