I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.