hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
You Might Also Like
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes