Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
mood
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.