If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.