Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I’m literally crying