How dude HOW?!
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just left a huge legacy in there
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
next level snooze
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: