Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I camp so other people don’t have to.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
j o i m p
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE