My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Unexpected Judgment
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter