Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
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Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal