Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.