If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!