*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”