I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Welcome to the stomach
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Nothing.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.