[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
According to math, I’m broke
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
mechanics be like