Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Follow me for more fitness tips.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
When they try to steal your moment.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.