Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
If only.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.