Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese