me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
There’s always that one guy
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude