Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.